Category Archives: Fun!

Jokes, photos,movies….just a bit of fun

Yearly Physical

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I went to the doctor for a physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked. “150,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 200. The nurse asked, “Your height?” “6 foot 1,” I said. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 11″ She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. “Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!” She put me on Prozac. What … Continue reading →

My Quarantine Diary

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Several people have asked me “how I am doing” – well here goes! Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month! Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last! Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds – Who Knew?? Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas. Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!! Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. … Continue reading →

For the “older people”….

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        ONE Recently, I went to McDonald’s and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter. ‘You don’t?’ I replied. ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply. ‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’ ‘That’s right.’ So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true…) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener … Continue reading →

Senior Citizen Status

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  You may not qualify for senior citizen status yet (ACTUALLY – I DO qualify!) but I  am sure you will agree with these statements  xx YES, THIS IS US!! (maybe not all of you… but some of us) Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not try to blame others. HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT senior citizens who took: The melody out of music, The pride out of appearance, The courtesy out of driving, The romance … Continue reading →

Exciting new Bupa Programme:

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You’re a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians. Of course, this means you will be sent to prison….. where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re … Continue reading →

Glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words

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A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”· “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). “Thank you for … Continue reading →

Ferrari 458 Italia

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A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is “What will it do?” The answer is usually something like “zero to 60 in 3.3 seconds,” or something along those lines. Well, here’s the brand new 2013 Ferrari “458 Italia” First, here’s what it looks like: And here is what it will do… Any more questions ?

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For those of you who have pets, this is a true story. For those that don’t…a true story.

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The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than … Continue reading →

“Jesus Knows You’re Here”

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his … Continue reading →

The Tomato Garden . . .

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An old gentleman lived alone in Kent. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would … Continue reading →

Top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics…

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2012 Summer Olympics You gotta chuckle here!! Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.” Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.” Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but … Continue reading →

A SHORT LOVE STORY

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A man and a woman who had never met  before, but who were both married to other  people, found themselves assigned to the same  sleeping room on a trans-continental  train. Though  initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired  and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the  lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned  down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m  sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach  into the closet to get me a second  blanket?  I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better … Continue reading →

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.” The drunk … Continue reading →

OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

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Ok – so you read it before – others may not have!! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’ The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but … Continue reading →

Leaving Work Early

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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early…she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. … Continue reading →

Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

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(Disclaimer – I was sent this and it just made me chuckle! NO offense intended to any person, living or dead or thinking about either!) A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful and things went from bad to worse. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, ‘I’m too young to die,’ she cried. Then she yelled, ‘If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?’ For a … Continue reading →

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ……. JUST PRICELESS

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Mastercard, Absolutely Priceless ….. CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ……. Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle Recently: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless; and it’s so easy to see happening – customer service, being what it is today! A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around – £60.00. A family member … Continue reading →

Happily Married!!

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An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life” Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t … Continue reading →

Stud Rooster

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This may well be an old joke, but it certainly brought a smile to my face!! A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK Old fart, time for you to retire..’ The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’ The young rooster says, ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am … Continue reading →

Perils of a religious Upbringing…

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As I walked down the busy pavement with my dear wife, knowing we were late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to “care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,” I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured … Continue reading →

Farmer John’s Chickens

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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens.” “What do you want us to do?” asked the policeman. “I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day the policeman had the Main Road’s … Continue reading →

“Have a good day, Sir” said the policeman .

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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car  salesroom.  Taking off down the motorway, He  floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing  through what little hair he had  left. “Amazing!” he thought as  he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the  metal even more.  Looking in his rear view  mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights  flashing and siren blaring. “I can  get away from him – no problem!”  thought the  elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph,then 130mph  then 140mph   Suddenly, he thought, “What on  … Continue reading →

Yearly Physical

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I went to the doctor for a physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked. “150,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 200. The nurse asked, “Your height?” “6 foot 1,” I said. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 11″ She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. “Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!” She put me on Prozac. What … Continue reading →

Disorder in the American Courts!

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Have you heard this lot before?? Probably, but they could still raise a chuckle…. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Are you … Continue reading →

The Plumber and the Parrot

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A plumber is called to the house of a lady owner to fix a pipe problem under the kitchen sink. “Oh hello – come in and I’ll show you where the problem is. Oh – don’t you mind Spike my dog – he won’t hurt you.” The plumber looked at the powerful, mean looking bulldog that was giving him the eye. “Mind you don’t speak to the parrot whatever you do….” and she left it at that. While the plumber was working under the sink, the bulldog came over and sat quietly beside him. He thought no more about it … Continue reading →