Category Archives: Fun!

Jokes, photos,movies….just a bit of fun

“Jesus Knows You’re Here”

MikeDF In the West Country Posted on by

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’ ‘Moses,’ replied the … Continue reading →

Yearly Physical

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I went to the doctor for a physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked. “150,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 200. The nurse asked, “Your height?” “6 foot 1,” I said. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 11″ She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. “Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!” She put me on Prozac. What a bitch

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My Quarantine Diary

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Several people have asked me “how I am doing” – well here goes! Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month! Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last! Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds – Who Knew?? Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas. Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!! Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear. Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!! Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place … Continue reading →

Senior Citizen Status

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  You may not qualify for senior citizen status yet (ACTUALLY – I DO qualify!) but I  am sure you will agree with these statements  xx YES, THIS IS US!! (maybe not all of you… but some of us) Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not try to blame others. HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT senior citizens who took: The melody out of music, The pride out of appearance, The courtesy out of driving, The romance out of love, The commitment out of marriage, The responsibility out of parenthood, The togetherness out of the family, The learning out of education, The service out of patriotism, The Golden Rule from rulers, The nativity scene out of cities, The civility out of behavior The refinement out of language, … Continue reading →

Taylor Swift Shake It Off

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WHAT an excellent video this is!! This young lady is a star! The dancers are all most excellent!! Taylor Swift – Shake It Off Published on Aug 18, 2014 Taylor’s new release 1989 is Available Now featuring the hit single “Shake It Off” and her latest single “Blank Space”. http://www.smarturl.it/TS1989

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Exciting new Bupa Programme:

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You’re a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians. Of course, this means you will be sent to prison….. where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now. And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care. And you can get … Continue reading →

Glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words

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A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”· “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde “I … Continue reading →

Ferrari 458 Italia

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A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is “What will it do?” The answer is usually something like “zero to 60 in 3.3 seconds,” or something along those lines. Well, here’s the brand new 2013 Ferrari “458 Italia” First, here’s what it looks like: And here is what it will do… Any more questions ?

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For those of you who have pets, this is a true story. For those that don’t…a true story.

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The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not … Continue reading →

The Tomato Garden . . .

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An old gentleman lived alone in Kent. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa. A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried . . . Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, … Continue reading →

Top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics…

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2012 Summer Olympics You gotta chuckle here!! Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.” Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.” Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.” Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.” At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, … Continue reading →

A SHORT LOVE STORY

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A man and a woman who had never met  before, but who were both married to other  people, found themselves assigned to the same  sleeping room on a trans-continental  train. Though  initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired  and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the  lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned  down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m  sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach  into the closet to get me a second  blanket?  I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for  tonight, let’s pretend that we’re  married.” “Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he  exclaimed. “‘Good”, she replied “Get  your own f….ing blanket.” After a moment of  silence, he farted.   The  End OK – STOP Chuckling and: Listen to the Dr. Bender Audio – “Doctor Says” … Continue reading →

OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

MikeDF In the West Country Posted on by

Ok – so you read it before – others may not have!! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’ The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. ‘We even called … Continue reading →

Leaving Work Early

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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early…she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the … Continue reading →

Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

MikeDF In the West Country Posted on by

(Disclaimer – I was sent this and it just made me chuckle! NO offense intended to any person, living or dead or thinking about either!) A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful and things went from bad to worse. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, ‘I’m too young to die,’ she cried. Then she yelled, ‘If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?’ For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, … Continue reading →

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ……. JUST PRICELESS

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Mastercard, Absolutely Priceless ….. CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ……. Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle Recently: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless; and it’s so easy to see happening – customer service, being what it is today! A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around – £60.00. A family member rang MBNA: Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you that my grandmother died in September.’ MBNA: ‘But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.’ Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.’ MBNA: ‘Since it is two months … Continue reading →

Happily Married!!

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An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life” Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”

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Stud Rooster

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This may well be an old joke, but it certainly brought a smile to my face!! A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK Old fart, time for you to retire..’ The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’ The young rooster says, ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’ The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’ The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will … Continue reading →

Perils of a religious Upbringing…

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As I walked down the busy pavement with my dear wife, knowing we were late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to “care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,” I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person’s condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, “Reach out, reach out, and touch this person!”              So … Continue reading →

Farmer John’s Chickens

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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens.” “What do you want us to do?” asked the policeman. “I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day the policeman had the Main Road’s workers go out to erect a sign that said: SLOW:SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!” So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers’ … Continue reading →

“Have a good day, Sir” said the policeman .

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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car  salesroom.  Taking off down the motorway, He  floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing  through what little hair he had  left. “Amazing!” he thought as  he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the  metal even more.  Looking in his rear view  mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights  flashing and siren blaring. “I can  get away from him – no problem!”  thought the  elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph,then 130mph  then 140mph   Suddenly, he thought, “What on  earth am I doing? I’m too old for this  nonsense!”  So he pulled over to the side of the   road and waited for the police car to catch up with  him. Pulling in behind him, the  police officer walked up the driver’s side of the BMW,  looked at his watch … Continue reading →

Yearly Physical

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I went to the doctor for a physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked. “150,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 200. The nurse asked, “Your height?” “6 foot 1,” I said. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 11″ She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. “Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!” She put me on Prozac. What a bitch

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Disorder in the American Courts!

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Have you heard this lot before?? Probably, but they could still raise a chuckle…. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS:     He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you? WITNESS:     My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  … Continue reading →

The Plumber and the Parrot

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A plumber is called to the house of a lady owner to fix a pipe problem under the kitchen sink. “Oh hello – come in and I’ll show you where the problem is. Oh – don’t you mind Spike my dog – he won’t hurt you.” The plumber looked at the powerful, mean looking bulldog that was giving him the eye. “Mind you don’t speak to the parrot whatever you do….” and she left it at that. While the plumber was working under the sink, the bulldog came over and sat quietly beside him. He thought no more about it but was barely able to concentrate from the abuse and loud swearing that was coming from the parrot. Finally the plumber could stand it no longer and shouted back at the parrot “Will you shut up you obnoxious, bl****, f****** mangy bird!” The parrot took one look back at the … Continue reading →

Dogs and Cats – The Differences….!!

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Dog Diary Petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with my owner! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! ——————————————————————————– CAT DIARY Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to … Continue reading →