RICHARD LITTLEJOHN on the frustrations of calling a telephone hotline

Can there be anything more frustrating on earth than having to ring a telephone hotline? You just know you’re going to spend hours pressing buttons and listening to recorded messages before failing to get through to a human being.

Hotlines are what organisations set up to prevent them ever having to come into contact with the paying public. Government call centres are infuriating enough, but private companies — especially in the so-called ‘service’ sector — are just as bad.

They’ve all got one: the NHS, the Old Bill, the utility companies. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of them. A new hotline comes along every day.

Yesterday it was the turn of the banks to unveil 555, the number you should ring in future to report suspected fraud.

Only last week, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt suggested all patients should have to contact the NHS 111 hotline before visiting A&E.

The police have their own ‘non-emergency’ number 101, to supplement 999. Not that ringing either number to report a burglary will make much difference. Unless you’ve caught the culprit red-handed and have a full confession on CCTV, they won’t bother turning out.

Thank you for calling Hotline 666. Your call is being recorded for training and data protection purposes. All our operators are busy at the moment, you are being held in a queue. Your wait time is approximately 50 minutes.

Hello.

The National Hotline is fully compliant with the Equalities Act. For English, press 1. For Jafaican, press 2. For several hundred other languages, including Scribble, press 3, and choose from our extensive sub-menu.

Hello.

We are pleased to offer you a choice of Muzak. For Vivaldi, press 1. For Adele, press 2. If you voted Remain and would like to hear Beethoven’s Ode To Joy, press 3.

Hello.

Calls are charged at 74p per minute. If you would prefer to pay in euros, press 1. For Bitcoin, press 2. If you would like the cost deducted from your Universal Credit, press 3. All our operators are busy at the moment, please hold.

Hello.

All callers must complete our diversity survey before being connected to an operator. Failure to respond is punishable by a fine of £5,000. We no longer recognise the transphobic terms ‘male’ or ‘female’. If you are transgendered, press 1. For non-binary, press 2. If you are intersex, whatever that is, or still questioning your gender identity, press 3.
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt suggested all patients should have to contact the NHS 111 hotline before visiting A&E
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Hello.

Thank you for holding. Your call will be answered by our next available operator. Your wait time is currently 45 minutes. To report that your home has been blown up in a gas explosion, press 1. If you wish to book a visit from an engineer some time in the next two years, press 2. If you wish to be connected directly to the switchboard at Slade Prison, press 3.

Hello.

All our prisoners are busy defrauding other callers. You are being held in a queue. For Norman Stanley Fletcher, press 1. For Genial Harry Grout, press 2. For Lukewarm, press 3.

Hello.

To hand over your bank details to a convicted swindler, press 1. To hand over your credit card number, press 2. To let a career burglar know when you will be going on holiday, press 3.

Hello.

Thank you for holding. Your wait time is 40 minutes. If you wish to make an appointment with your GP, press 1 and answer a series of impertinent questions from some dopey bird who doesn’t have a clue what’s wrong with you. To help us determine how we can assist you further, please press 2 and you will be transferred to a spotty youth reading from a script at a call centre on the outskirts of Bombay.

Hello.

Your call is important to us. If you wish to complain about the noisy party which has been going on for the past five days in the flat upstairs, press 1. If you are coughing up blood, press 2. If your broadband connection has crashed, please restart your router and cross your fingers before pressing 3. For all other non-emergencies, please hold. Your wait time is currently 35 minutes.

Hello.

Did you know that many of your problems can be solved quickly by accessing the Frequently Asked Questions section of our website, unless of course you have just pressed 3 because your broadband connection has crashed. Otherwise, your call will be answered in approximately 30 minutes.

Hello.

If you have yet to receive your Universal Credit payment, press 1. If you would like a job on a zero-hours contract, press 2 and you will be transferred to Sports Direct. For directions to your nearest food bank, press 3.

Hello.

Thank you for holding. All our operators are currently busy assisting other customers. For the Samaritans, press 1. For the new series of Curb Your Enthusiasm, press the red button on your Sky remote. If you wish to rant and rave about Brexit, immigration or cycle lanes, press 3 and you will be put through to the Nick Ferrari breakfast show on LBC.

Hello.

If you have just returned from holiday to find you have been burgled, press 1. If you have discovered that after handing over your bank details to one of our operators your account has been cleaned out and your life savings transferred to a conman in Nigeria, press 2. If you have lost the will to live, press 3.

Hello.

Thank you for calling Hotline 666. Your wait time has just gone up to 120 minutes. Please continue to hold, your call is important to us. Customers should be advised that we have zero tolerance towards anyone who abuses our operators. If you still wish to scream abuse into the telephone, press 1 and we will send an armed response unit to arrest you immediately. If you no longer wish to hold, have a nice day.

Aaaarrrrrggghhhh!

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-4998656/Littlejohn-lose-live-press-3.html#ixzz4wFYfBMTR
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