“Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?”, St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing”, the Scotsman replied.

“On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn’t listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the s – – t out of all of you!’ ”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“A couple of minutes ago.”